In My Dreams

My dream last night was so vivid. I remember almost every part. But, the one part I can recall 100% is you. You were there. It was some kind of rehab home and you were there and I went to visit you, thinking it was going to be bad, but you were great. From what I can recall, you were in an accident and were in recovery there. When I saw you, you were a little bruised up, but 100% functional. When I woke, the feeling was unreal. God, if only I could really see you and speak to you and visit you. I truly believe that these are all signs sent directly from you and I hope that I never stop having them. You see, I never understood this pain and I'm not sure I ever will. The only difference from earlier on to now, is that I am in utter disbelief. Not shock anymore, just disbelief. I don't want to believe this is real. It can't be.

I reflect back on these last few years. I look back at what I now realize were your struggles. I am SO sorry that I was not able to read them and help you. I just wish I knew. I just thought you were my 20-something year old Brother, who was living on the edge, getting life experience. I now realize that you needed someone to fulfill you. I just wish you would have told me so that I could have helped you.

I still feel like you didn't want it this way. I know you wouldn't want this, if you had it all to do over again. I also now understand that you may not have understood all of this. I know this is a disease. I know it's a struggle many experience. And, now, for some God awful reason, he chose you, and I now know it's real.

Please, please, please let me know you are OK. I need to know. We are OK. I am truly worried about Mom and Dad. As much as you may not have thought so, they love you dearly and wanted you to live - and not interfere. I have heard Mom say now that she wishes she would have smothered you. Maybe you wanted that? But, she didn't want to make you mad. I guess we won't know until we meet again. Just know one thing....I'm not sure life will ever be OK. I'm not even sure when our hearts will heal, if ever. Just the thought of you thinking that there was no other option hurts SO bad I can't even explain it. I just wish....

Tyler still asks about you often. I'm sure you hear him. Just Saturday, we were at Mom & Dad's house watching the Cane game and he asked when you were going to come back to get your stuff. My simple reply..."one day". Ugh. I'm not even sure how I will ever be able to explain this him. I just can't.

I'm hurting, Brother. I'm just so sad. How can this be????????? Please send us strength. We all need it. Life does go on, but never EVER will it be the same. Save a seat for me. I have so much to talk to you about.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Just Sad

Oh, Brother. Not sure I have words. Just having a REALLY hard night. They're all sad, but tonight I'm consumed with it. I miss you SO much. It's not fair. This is just so unfair. I used to be able to look at your pictures and it would give me comfort to talk to you in them, but now every time I see your photo, I just break down. My heart hurts. What I would give to have you back here with us...

These last few weeks have gotten harder for me. Not sure about everyone else, but for me it hurts more now than ever. We went to Lake Wales this past weekend and I can't help but think of you the entire time we are there. How much you loved it. All your muddy days and nights. Your Jeep. I got your feather on Saturday. Thank you. I also noticed the breeze when I was taking a picture of the tree. I appreciate you visiting. Please don't ever stop.

Tyler asked me at the dinner table one night last week if I was still sad and missed you. I told him of course I do. He said "well then we should drive and get him and bring him home". If only Heaven wasn't so far away. I would do it in a heartbeat. We all miss you. Please continue to watch over us and send us strength. We need it and we need you. Always have and always will.

Love you Forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Your Memorial - Your Paradise

I miss you. Period. What did you think of the places we spread your ashes? I know you were watching over us. I hope you liked where we decided. We also planted a tree, in your memory, in your favorite place. It's beautiful. There's just 1 thing wrong with it...it's a memorial. I am truly saddened at the realization of all of this. My heart is broken. To think I will never see you again, never see you riding your Jeep in Lake Wales, never see your truck in the Publix parking lot, never see you rolling around on the living room floor with the kids. I'm broken. I sat on the back porch with Mom in Lake Wales and we talked. I'm sad you never got to sit on the back porch. You would LOVE it! I know you're here with us in spirit, but this is just crazy. I hope you are pain free in Heaven. Meanwhile, back here, we miss you like crazy. Your memories are all we have left, so we are memorializing them. I hope the tree grows to be big and beautiful, like your soul. Please send Mom and Dad strength. They need you. PS - thank you for helping with the weather at the kids party yesterday. It was a tough day without you there. They will all be tough days without you there.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Not Quite the Same

To say the least...It's not quite the same, nor will it ever be. My mind keeps telling me what my heart doesn't want to believe. We went to dinner last night for Mom's birthday. It was the first time we were a party of 10. And, it was the last place that I saw you. Two extremely difficult realizations in 1 night. Damn it do we miss you. We know that life must go on, but how? A piece of us is missing. It hurts that you're gone. Especially when I know you didn't want it this way. Stef's gift to Mom was beautiful. You both are so happy in the photo. The good memories are what I cherish most now. That trip for your 21st was the best.

Riley turns 4 tomorrow. Send her some birthday love please.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Just Missing You

You're a constant. On my mind, in my heart and in everything I do. So cliche, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I'm stuck there. We didn't talk everyday and I probably worried about you more than you thought of me, but now that you being a phone call away is not an option, it hurts. My 1 and only wish would be to go back in time. Go back and change it all...everything.

I was putting together the invite for the kid's birthday party last night. As I posted the event on Facebook, there was a list of suggestions to add to the Guest List. You were at the top of that list. YES!!! I would LOVE to add you to the Guest List. But, it won't help. You won't be there. And, that hurts. I miss you. Mom misses you. Dad misses you. Hell, we all miss you. And, we will forever. Save a seat for me up there. We're going to have a looong chat one day.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Happy Birthday, Brother

Yesterday would have been your 24th Birthday. And, today marks 1 month...1 month that has seemed like an eternity. And, in all this, even though it seems like an eternity, I still can't believe you're gone. The reality is hard. Sometimes unbearable. It helps to cry, but it can't bring you back. I'm still sad. Sad everyday. Even though we tried our best to celebrate you yesterday, it was still not a happy day. We spent the day at the beach, where I think you would have been. We let the kids write messages to you on balloons and then we let them go. Tyler asked if you got your balloons yet. I told him you did. =) We also spread your ashes on the shoreline. So, I know you were there with us. Aaron posted a post on your FB wall about your Birthday dinner in Heaven. It probably was better than Rustic Inn, especially after the service we had at your birthday dinner last year, but I still wish we were at Rustic Inn getting shitty service.

I also got my first tattoo yesterday. For you. On your Birthday. It hurt like hell, but I love it. It means so much to me. Although you are in my heart FOREVER, Steph and I have our own little memorials to you on our feet. Lauren and Mom were there with us. It was special. Eternal love for you, Brother.

Your co-workers did a little memorial for you on the beach last night also. It was a beautiful night. I know you were there with us. I could feel it. Thanks for turning down the wind, so we could light some lanterns in your honor. I hope you had a good Birthday up in Heaven. Miss you terribly.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Just Another Sunday

As I do everyday, I thought of you a lot today. Mom and Dad (and all of us, for that matter) are having a tough time right now. The realization that you are gone is falling heavy on our hearts. The yearning to just call you or hug you is so great, yet I/we know it cannot be. We miss you, and that's all there is to it. You are a missing piece of "us" and it hurts. I know you know, I tell you every day.

On a side note, I am SO happy with the results of my talk with Lisaa today. I am your "Sis" forever and I love you, too. I am finding great comfort in knowing that you are OK. Even more so, that you are no longer hurting. But, that still doesn't make me want you back here with us any less. We took the kids bowling today and I didn't stop thinking of how I wish I could have called you to come meet us. I know you loved to bowl. I can't wait to hear more from Lisaa.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...