In My Dreams

My dream last night was so vivid. I remember almost every part. But, the one part I can recall 100% is you. You were there. It was some kind of rehab home and you were there and I went to visit you, thinking it was going to be bad, but you were great. From what I can recall, you were in an accident and were in recovery there. When I saw you, you were a little bruised up, but 100% functional. When I woke, the feeling was unreal. God, if only I could really see you and speak to you and visit you. I truly believe that these are all signs sent directly from you and I hope that I never stop having them. You see, I never understood this pain and I'm not sure I ever will. The only difference from earlier on to now, is that I am in utter disbelief. Not shock anymore, just disbelief. I don't want to believe this is real. It can't be.

I reflect back on these last few years. I look back at what I now realize were your struggles. I am SO sorry that I was not able to read them and help you. I just wish I knew. I just thought you were my 20-something year old Brother, who was living on the edge, getting life experience. I now realize that you needed someone to fulfill you. I just wish you would have told me so that I could have helped you.

I still feel like you didn't want it this way. I know you wouldn't want this, if you had it all to do over again. I also now understand that you may not have understood all of this. I know this is a disease. I know it's a struggle many experience. And, now, for some God awful reason, he chose you, and I now know it's real.

Please, please, please let me know you are OK. I need to know. We are OK. I am truly worried about Mom and Dad. As much as you may not have thought so, they love you dearly and wanted you to live - and not interfere. I have heard Mom say now that she wishes she would have smothered you. Maybe you wanted that? But, she didn't want to make you mad. I guess we won't know until we meet again. Just know one thing....I'm not sure life will ever be OK. I'm not even sure when our hearts will heal, if ever. Just the thought of you thinking that there was no other option hurts SO bad I can't even explain it. I just wish....

Tyler still asks about you often. I'm sure you hear him. Just Saturday, we were at Mom & Dad's house watching the Cane game and he asked when you were going to come back to get your stuff. My simple reply..."one day". Ugh. I'm not even sure how I will ever be able to explain this him. I just can't.

I'm hurting, Brother. I'm just so sad. How can this be????????? Please send us strength. We all need it. Life does go on, but never EVER will it be the same. Save a seat for me. I have so much to talk to you about.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...