Not Quite the Same

To say the least...It's not quite the same, nor will it ever be. My mind keeps telling me what my heart doesn't want to believe. We went to dinner last night for Mom's birthday. It was the first time we were a party of 10. And, it was the last place that I saw you. Two extremely difficult realizations in 1 night. Damn it do we miss you. We know that life must go on, but how? A piece of us is missing. It hurts that you're gone. Especially when I know you didn't want it this way. Stef's gift to Mom was beautiful. You both are so happy in the photo. The good memories are what I cherish most now. That trip for your 21st was the best.

Riley turns 4 tomorrow. Send her some birthday love please.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Just Missing You

You're a constant. On my mind, in my heart and in everything I do. So cliche, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I'm stuck there. We didn't talk everyday and I probably worried about you more than you thought of me, but now that you being a phone call away is not an option, it hurts. My 1 and only wish would be to go back in time. Go back and change it all...everything.

I was putting together the invite for the kid's birthday party last night. As I posted the event on Facebook, there was a list of suggestions to add to the Guest List. You were at the top of that list. YES!!! I would LOVE to add you to the Guest List. But, it won't help. You won't be there. And, that hurts. I miss you. Mom misses you. Dad misses you. Hell, we all miss you. And, we will forever. Save a seat for me up there. We're going to have a looong chat one day.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Happy Birthday, Brother

Yesterday would have been your 24th Birthday. And, today marks 1 month...1 month that has seemed like an eternity. And, in all this, even though it seems like an eternity, I still can't believe you're gone. The reality is hard. Sometimes unbearable. It helps to cry, but it can't bring you back. I'm still sad. Sad everyday. Even though we tried our best to celebrate you yesterday, it was still not a happy day. We spent the day at the beach, where I think you would have been. We let the kids write messages to you on balloons and then we let them go. Tyler asked if you got your balloons yet. I told him you did. =) We also spread your ashes on the shoreline. So, I know you were there with us. Aaron posted a post on your FB wall about your Birthday dinner in Heaven. It probably was better than Rustic Inn, especially after the service we had at your birthday dinner last year, but I still wish we were at Rustic Inn getting shitty service.

I also got my first tattoo yesterday. For you. On your Birthday. It hurt like hell, but I love it. It means so much to me. Although you are in my heart FOREVER, Steph and I have our own little memorials to you on our feet. Lauren and Mom were there with us. It was special. Eternal love for you, Brother.

Your co-workers did a little memorial for you on the beach last night also. It was a beautiful night. I know you were there with us. I could feel it. Thanks for turning down the wind, so we could light some lanterns in your honor. I hope you had a good Birthday up in Heaven. Miss you terribly.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

Just Another Sunday

As I do everyday, I thought of you a lot today. Mom and Dad (and all of us, for that matter) are having a tough time right now. The realization that you are gone is falling heavy on our hearts. The yearning to just call you or hug you is so great, yet I/we know it cannot be. We miss you, and that's all there is to it. You are a missing piece of "us" and it hurts. I know you know, I tell you every day.

On a side note, I am SO happy with the results of my talk with Lisaa today. I am your "Sis" forever and I love you, too. I am finding great comfort in knowing that you are OK. Even more so, that you are no longer hurting. But, that still doesn't make me want you back here with us any less. We took the kids bowling today and I didn't stop thinking of how I wish I could have called you to come meet us. I know you loved to bowl. I can't wait to hear more from Lisaa.

Love you forever, Brother. Until we meet again...

You're Home

Last Wednesday (7/30) was an exceptionally difficult day. My morning was consumed with tears and it was the heaviest heart I have felt yet. Needless to say, and unbeknownst to me at the time, it was the same for Mom and Steph, too. It wasn't until later in the day that Mom told me that the Funeral Home called her and you were ready to be picked up and brought home. So, we did.

I met Mom and Dad there on Thursday morning, and we finally brought you home. My urn is beautiful and I look at you all the time. It doesn't fill the hole in my heart, but it is you. Mom took you with us on our Staycation. You were there, I felt you, I saw your signs. I thank you. I left you at my house to guard the house while we were gone.

It was a bittersweet homecoming. I couldn't wait to see you, but I wasn't looking forward to coming home and being sad again. Your pictures are everywhere and I just want you back here with us. I know I can't change that, so at least you're here with me in some form. Welcome home, Brother.

Love you forever, Brother. Always and forever. Until we meet again...